Safe, sane and (mostly) sober on Thanksgiving

​Thanksgiving Day is almost upon us and hosts everywhere are panicked more than ever. What was once a warm family gathering of gratitude is looking much more like Festivus, including the Airing of Grievances. Mom wants nothing more than a traditional celebration of family, but those relatives will be coming and you know how they are about you-know-what.
 
Keeping the peace has never been easy, of course. Cousins Eunice and Essie still aren’t speaking after that dust-up over Granny’s pearls in 2003, Uncle Rahm is still mad about the, um, carving accident from 2012, and who can forget the night that Aunt Agnes insisted that internet dress was gold and white and Cousin Sophie threw the gravy boat at her?
 
Ah, family. We’d mention here that blood is thicker than water, but why remind people of those stains in the couch from last year?
 
Have no fear, though, for the team at Dad Writes has the solution for holiday strains. No, we’re not suggesting that you cancel dinner; merely that you adopt a few defensive tactics to keep things friendly, sorta.
 
If you’re hosting this year, a few time-saving tips can smooth out the bumps and ensure that a good time is had by all. Specifically…

1. Be very selective in food choices, because everyone is triggered by something. This is a good year to ditch the turkey, yams, carrots and absolutely anything from California. The safest bet this year is potatoes and bacon. For dessert, a Sara Lee pound cake, which nobody doesn't like. 
2. Expand on the time-honored tradition of a kids’ table by giving each of your guests a table of their own. Yes, this might require bringing those old TV dinner tables down from the attic or buying a couple of new sets ($10 apiece online) but that’s a small price to pay to avoid new bloodstains on the couch.
3. Invest in one of those signal jammers to keep your guests from checking their texts and news feeds during dinner. The last thing you need is for Aunt Shirley to sigh and announce, “Gawd, could this get any worse?” Because, as soon as she asks, it will.
4. Don’t ask questions. Yes, a good host is usually encouraged to get the conversation started, but that’s the last thing you want on Thanksgiving. Don’t ask your relatives what’s new, how they are doing, or what they are watching/reading/streaming. Don’t even ask if they liked the potatoes and bacon. Why take the risk?
5. Jump on the grenade. When the conversation heads into dangerous territory, which is pretty much guaranteed, be ready to say, “Oh, that reminds me, I need to show you something.” Then grab the relevant person by the arm, lead him/her/they/it into a nearby closet, and give them one of those injections that works so quickly in spy movies. Hopefully, you will have enough closets for the entire evening. And enough syringes.

 
Of course, guests must also take some responsibility for a great holiday. If you’re going to be a guest at Thanksgiving dinner, you’ll play an important role in helping the host keep things merry and bright. Absolutely...

1. Whether your diet is Keto, Atkins, Mediterranean, Meatatarian, Vegan or Klingon, make life easy for your host by bringing your own dinner. No need to cook it in advance; just grab some space in the kitchen and make the magic happen.
2. Let everyone know you’re feeling comfortable among family by unbuckling your belt and unbuttoning your waistband as soon as you take off your coat. Everyone will feel much more at ease after they see how relaxed you can be.
3. Help your hosts keep the peace by assembling a list of all the topics that are prohibited and make sure the rest of the guests are aware of the rules. Every ten minutes, remind them, “We are absolutely not going to talk about _______, ______ or _______.” By mentioning the topics specifically, you will ensure that nobody makes a mistake.
4. Know your limits, and exceed them. If you get boisterous after two drinks, weepy after three, and then pass out after four, do not pass Go on your way to your fourth drink. Don’t worry about missing the festivities. Your cousins will show you the video tomorrow. And the next day. And again. And again.
5. While all the adults in the room are working tirelessly to avoid eye contact, make sure the children are engaged in the holiday celebration. Bring all the "toy mazagines" from the Sunday paper and ask the tots to show their parents which toys they want most. Better yet, bring a pet and announce that it will go home with the kid who belches loudest at dinner. We recommend a puppy. Or a puff adder.

 
See how simple it is? If we all follow these rules on Thursday, every household in America is guaranteed to have the thankiest Thanksgiving ever. And that goes double for whichever kid ends up taking home the puppy…or the snake.  
 
Can you imagine how terrible it would be if you didn’t know how to keep the peace on Thanksgiving? Don’t miss out on our upcoming guides to hosting, guesting, meeting, greeting, and holding eternal grudges…by simply clicking here to subscribe to Dad Writes. We’ll be glad you did.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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