We haven't had a ton of traction since 2019, but that's only because of that whole "Covid" thing. It's time to get back to work and make Labor Day THE biggest issue of the 2024 Election Cycle. Forget global warming, inflation, abortion, and all those woke Chinese pandas at the National Zoo. This is the issue of our age, and it's not aging well.
Revived from September 1, 2019... All of us at Dad Writes are about to begin a national movement. It’s a movement that will gladden the hearts of all Americans and heal the wounds of our universe. This is the one common goal left to humanity in the internet age. We are divided irrevocably on pretty much everything, but we finally have a cause to unite us and restore our faith in each other. We must rise up in an unrelenting and ultimately victorious campaign to move Labor Day to October. As it stands, Labor Day is a depressing holiday, a last three-day weekend to mark the end of summer. Everyone slumps in their lawn chairs and talks about getting back to work while they complain that the fireworks were better on Independence Day. When it’s time for all the guests to leave, nobody talks about their plans for the week ahead, because everyone is planning to be in the office on Tuesday morning. Alas, what began as a celebration of the labor union movement has deteriorated into a celebration of Mondays. Yep, we get this one off, but then we’re working every Monday until MLK Day 21 weeks from now. But Labor Day can be much happier, and more apt, if we make the logical choice to move it back a month. The reasons are compelling and, dare we say, irrefutable. First, the equinox won’t come until September 23, this year, fully three weeks after we bury the season with a holiday marking the “official end of summer.” Insanity!!! Summer is a gift to treasure, not a curse to be canceled. Much like our participation trophies, regrets, grudges, and sixteen, we should hold onto summer as long we can. Second, the weather is going to stay summery well into October in most of the country, because that’s how weather works. Temperatures will still be warm, humidity levels will drop from their August peaks, and mosquito swarms will finally subside. We won’t notice it, though, because we all went back to work four weeks too early. What are we, nuts?? The sad reality is that September barbecues are never as relaxing or enjoyable as the same gatherings before Labor Day. Something is missing, and the missing ingredient is summer. We bury our best season prematurely at the start of September and then we just go through the motions. So sad. But when we move Labor Day to October, we can finally return the holiday to its rightful role as a celebration of working stiffs, the people who build the buildings and plant the plants and assemble the assemblies. We can transform Labor Day into an upbeat extension of summer, rather than its forced execution. “Yeah, the days are shorter now that it’s officially fall, but we have about two weeks left until Labor Day,” we’d say, and we would be happier as a result. When should the new Labor Day occur? We humbly propose the first Friday in October, which is the perfect date for a national holiday. Slotting Labor Day on a Friday will preserve the tradition of three-day weekends while dulling the sting of returning to work a few days later. At long last, people will have a real justification for all those TGIF memes. Admit it. This is such a great idea that you’re already wondering two things:
We understand how you feel. The brainstorming team at Dad Writes is very proud of itself for this earthshaking idea and we are fine with sharing the credit with all the fans who inspire us to be creative geniuses. Or genii. Or whatever. Enjoy your holiday and take heart. By this time next year, we will have achieved our goal and we will all be looking forward to another month of summer weekends. Be the first to know when the team at Dadwrites creates a new creation by subscribing to our weekly bursts of wisdom, humor and idiocy. Just click here and you’re on your way.
1 Comment
Once again, the super-science whiz kids at Dad Writes have discovered the hottest new innovation in tech, an advancement that will make AI look even more artificial and much less intelligent. We’ve only encountered this financial tool infrequently, so far, but we know it’s use is going to explode, so you’ll want to get in on the ground floor. Simplifying the concept for everyone who can’t understand how crypto and NFTs work (Hint: They don’t.), lets’ just describe this new invention as a government-backed gift card that never expires, has no processing fees, and can be used in any store. Well, almost any store, but we’ll get to that part later. Anyway, it’s called Consumer Accessible Secure Holdings, or CASH, and I cannot believe nobody thought of this sooner. Basically, it’s a nano-thin gift card that takes up much less space than a stiff plastic card, and you can fold it if you’re into origami. You can fit it into a wallet, under your mattress, or even into your penny loafers if you want to flaunt your wealth. Better yet, you can access these CASH cards without having to download an app, and you always know the balance, because it’s visible on the card at all times. If you only want to redeem part of the value of the card, no worries. You can get other cards and tokens that have their value visible on them, as well. No more embarrassment when you go to a store with the wrong gift card, or your plastic mystery card isn’t worth enough to buy what you want. With the CASH-based card, you don’t need Samuel L. Jackson to tell you what’s in your wallet. And it gets even better for both buyers and sellers. With CASH, there’s no interest on your credit card bills at the end of the month because, voila, no credit card bill. And the store owner benefits, too, because there are no processing fees when people pay with CASH. Still, as with every new technology, there are a few bugs to be worked out. Some retailers haven’t updated their systems to accept CASH, relying on the old-fashioned system of tapping credit cards and demanding 30% tips for handing us a Twinkie. Converting to CASH will make their lives so much easier, but they need to get with the times first and many are still resistant. CASH is also in short supply, apparently, because banks will require that consumers fill out all kinds of forms if they want to obtain more than $10,000 in CASH in any single transaction. It’s a bit of a headache, but obtaining multiple supplies at $9,999 should absolutely solve that problem. Finally, it can be a challenge to record all the transactions when businesses use CASH. With credit cards, computers keep the tally, but businesses that deal in CASH might forget to include some of their sales when they report results to the Internal Revenue Service. From what I’ve heard, though, business owners who deal only in CASH say that has not been a problem and they have reported all their transactions without fail. Once you start using CASH, you'll be a fan for life. I can't imagine any technology supplanting this incredible system any time soon, or ever. What hot new tech will we discover next? Click here to subscribe and you'll be the king of the nerds. The best dinner, stud fees, and the times I bring joy to the repairmen in my life, all from a deep dive into the shallowest of minds…
Not only is this America, but it’s also the internet, where you can get a free subscription to Dad Writes simply by clicking right here. Be very afraid. All the Republican politicians and Fox News pundits are 150% right when they call Chicago a crime-infested, corrupt, leftist, sleazebag hellhole. And it’s even worse in the summer, when we’re even sleazier and hellhole-ier, so definitely stay away right now if you value your life. I pity people who come to visit over the summer months, because everything the right-wingers say about us is true, true and true. Every single person living within the city limits is killed each night and we just ship in new people to be killed the next night. Every black person is a murderous gang thug and every homeless person is planning to burn down the next building they see. And don’t think you’ll be safe around the white people, either, because they’ll grab your children and make them gay or trans or bi- or tri- or quadruple. We completely de-funded the police and we give looters frequent flier miles for the value of their stolen goods. Nobody speaks English, of course, because the only people you’ll find out in public are illegal aliens who would steal all our jobs, if we had any businesses that were still operating. Apologists for the city will claim that it’s really safe here and tourists should come and visit in the summer. They’ll try to lure outa towners with stories about outdoor dining and neighborhood festivals and zoos and culture. They’ll brag about restaurants with Michelin stars and the highest-rated museums in the world. They'll try to trick you with baseball and hot dogs—the real ones, not those skinny tubes of fat they sell in New York—and all that other claptrap. They might even try to confuse you with "facts" and "truth," but don't be fooled. It’s a crime-infested, corrupt, leftist, sleazebag hellhole here and it’s especially dangerous now that there’s a fatwa against suburbanites who venture east of Harlem. (Especially you, Schaumburgians!!) There’s a bounty on the heads of all the conventioneers who get lost in the most-logical street grid on earth and there’s a shoot-on-sight order for anyone who comes for that stupid NASCAR thing over Fourth of July weekend. It’s a combination of The Purge and Saw, but all day every day, all summer long. Whatever you do, stay away from Chicago this summer. No matter how careful you are, you will absolutely be murdered, assuming you weren’t carjacked and left for dead on the way into town. If you’re still feeling lucky, punk, you should definitely wait to come here after Labor Day, or maybe November, just to be safe. By then, all the gang leaders will have moved down to their mansions in Cuba and the immigrants will be at their vacation homes in Texas and Florida. Businesses will be operating again and we’ll have at least 50 people on the police force. Granted, all of them will be named Fife, but we do the best we can. According to the actuaries, you’ll have a 74% chance of surviving your visit here if you show up after summer is over; and up to 78% if you don’t leave your hotel room. Just remember, you’ve been warned. There’s nothing worse than being a tourist in Chicago in the summer, so stay out of our toddlin’ town if you know what’s good for you. Those of us who already live here will try, ever so bravely, to make the most of our summertime agony, and we’ll let you know when/if it’s safe to pay us a visit. Definitely not until after Labor Day, though. We'll let you know. When it comes to life-saving warnings, nothing compares with the straight skinny from Dad Writes. Click here to subscribe for our next alerts. Adapting to life’s challenges, mastering the club sandwich and the exciting world of fountain pens, because we only write about the most important stuff..
We’re absolutely sure you should be subscribing to Dad Writes and we’ve made it super easy to do so by just clicking here. The speech that every new college graduate needs to hear, but they won’t, because the international educational conspiracy has cancelled me once again. On behalf of the trustees, the faculty and our staff, and especially on behalf of our sponsor, Subway, I extend my warmest welcome and congratulations to all of our graduates, your families, your friends, and your emotional support gerbils. Today’s graduation ceremony is unlike any other in the history of our university, because yours is a graduation class that is unique. You began your journey in these ivied halls in 2019, gaining the wisdom passed down through generations and enjoying the opportunity to study together at one of the many Subway restaurants that we are so proud to host on our campus. Your time on campus was interrupted in 2020 and 2021 as the Covid crisis forced us to shift to remote learning and required so many of you to make the difficult adjustment to ordering your Subway sandwiches delivered to your parent’s basements. I should note here that the university makes no judgments regarding Covid, whether it was real or not, whether it came from a lab or an animal, assuming it existed at all, or whether the university truly deserved the $22 billion we received in emergency funding from the federal government. We are quite justifiably proud of our ability to continue providing the valuable educational enrichment that is our hallmark and for our success in rejecting refunds for the campus housing you paid for before we sent you home. All’s well that ends well, though—as you might have learned if we still taught the writings of dead, white, foreign men—because you were able to return to campus for this, your final year of studies, and enjoy the camaraderie of friends and colleagues, especially during study sessions at Subway. Beyond the disruptions caused by Covid, which might or might not have been real or justified, your class is unique in many other ways. Yours is the first graduating class to spend four years without ever having to listen to a any speakers you disagreed with or take classes with any instructors whose opinions did not match yours 100%. As you move forward into the working world, we know this singular focus on your needs, your sensitivities and your triggers will serve you well in your dealings with co-workers and employers. Of course, your advancement into the working world will also be unique, since 94 percent of your jobs have already been replaced by the same artificial intelligence you’ve all been using to write your term papers. Whether you planned to enter the field of marketing, law, accounting, or pretty much anything else, your skills became obsolete on day three of your junior year. Yes, we were aware of it at the time and we did not tell you or change our curriculum, but you all clicked “agree” on our Terms of Service and there will be no refunds. I know this will disappoint some of you, but we like to think of it as one final lesson that we can provide in our continuing and often thankless mission to give you the kind of education you so richly deserve. I know that many of you are already feeling nostalgic for the university experience, or at least that’s what it says in the speech draft that I ordered from Chat GPT, so let’s go with that idea. Even as you must depart our hallowed halls, after paying the full damage deposit for the dorm room you might or might not have occupied, we offer you a special opportunity to continue your education through our new graduate degree program. Our new Masters of Adulthood program is a forward-looking, multi-discipline amalgamation of educational opportunities that have not been available to you until now. Through our unique curriculum, you will learn how to balance a checkbook, mail a letter, repay your student loans, distinguish between real people and deep fakes in both print and 3D, move out of your parents’ basements, and repurpose your Subway sandwich wrappers to make eco-friendly underwear. Tuition for our new graduate program is payable in advance, in cash, because we know you’ve all maxed out your student loan limits and you really have no job prospects at this point. Think of this as your first important lesson in being an adult, and it is totally free to you to gain this tiny morsel of wisdom. Also totally free, we have created a lifetime membership for each of you in our alumni association, so that we can stay connected and you can maintain your support of our fine institution in this life and beyond. Just to be clear, you will have to pay the full costs of membership for the rest of your life, but we did not charge any administration fees for enrolling you and clicking “agree” on the Terms of Service. You are so very, very welcome. Finally, in closing, and accordance with our consent decree, I must say is has been a pleasure and an honor to provide you with an invaluable educational opportunity here. As you continue your life’s journey, I know we will always be connected by our shared mission and values, as well as your alumni association membership. I know we can rely on you to represent our university with pride, with integrity, and with donations, and that you will always, always remember to Eat Fresh. Now that all the university presidents have read this speech, I know I’ll be busy making appearances at hundreds of campuses next year. I’ll provide a sneak peak at my 2024 invocation for subscribers, so click here and you’ll be the first to know. |
Who writes this stuff?Dadwrites oozes from the warped mind of Michael Rosenbaum, an award-winning author who spends most of his time these days as a start-up business mentor, book coach, photographer and, mostly, a grandfather. All views are his alone, largely due to the fact that he can’t find anyone who agrees with him. Archives
January 2024
Categories
All
|